ExChristianDotNet (exchristian_net) wrote in extian,
ExChristianDotNet
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[Testimonies of Ex-Christians] My doomed fate to hell

I don't know how to summarize my story. I was raised Lutheran, and then
moved into being a Baptist. I went to a Lutheran private school for
several years of grade school, and then went to a private Lutheran High
school for the entire 4 years.The first time I started having doubts
about my faith can be pinned on the first religion class I had of my
freshman year. The teacher thought he would be really clever and came
in talking like a neo-paganist, talking about how we can worship the
trees, and don't take the Bible too literally. He was messing with our
minds to, I suppose, open our minds and prepare us for the future.
Someone I had trusted had exposed to me ideas that weren't Christian.
From that point on, I struggled between labeling myself a Christian and
an atheist.All of my friends were greatly concerned for me, and I
became a source of a lot of drama. Everyone wanted to save my soul. I
was so frustrated and cried at night about my doomed fate to hell. I
had my ups and downs throughout high school, Christian-status speaking,
and converted back at one point when I saw a giant hand knocking on a
door. I felt that was God.My senior year I started getting rocky again.
I decided I wanted to work at an orphanage in Mexico after graduating.
But just then my sister returned from her trip to India with Youth With
a Mission (YWAM). I noticed she had changed so much for the positive
and decided I wanted that. So I went to a YWAM school in Mexico after I
graduated.I don't even want to go into the details of how they
attempted to brainwash us and make us will-less creatures submitted to
their authority. But the whole time I tried SOOOO hard to believe
everything. I felt like I had to get this Christianity thing. I felt
only by being a full-time missionary could I maintain my status with
Christ. The school, in the end, left me in a spiritual place where I
was happy.So I decided to come back after 6 months to work at the
school. But shortly before I left, I found myself in another bought of
atheistic thoughts. I decided to go anyways. I gradually told the
director of the school where I was spiritually and asked him if he
wanted to send me home. He said no and placed me as a group leader for
students and an outreach leader for a 3 month trip. This time on staff
was TORTURE. I tried so hard to believe it all. But at the same time,
my intellect wouldn't let me. I became so emotional about it all.During
the outreach, I revealed to the students that I wasn't Christian right
now. I was so embarrassed and felt pressured. At one point, I was
overcome with emotion and spirituality and found myself converting back
to Christianity and crying like a maniac.I left the school, returned to
the US and found myself committing to work in a starter school in
Mexicali. I only joined because the guy who asked me to come, I had a
huge crush on. I worked there, and found myself committing to go under
training at the original school I worked at to eventually commit 2
years to this new base in Mexicali. I didn't have any spiritual
problems at that time, and felt peaceful (looking back though, I was a
nut).At the end of the training, I was to return to Mexicali. However,
I found that my reason for being at the base, this guy, was now dating
a chick and I wasn't getting any, even platonic, attention. I become
depressed and realized the errors of my motives of coming back to the
school this year. I realized I had to leave and get my motives in
check.I left the school. I got on a bus in Mexicali and drove all the
way to Minnesota, giving myself 48 hours to ponder the last 2 years of
my evangelical living.I immediately settled into depression for the
next 2 years, dealing with what happened in Mexico, and what has
happened my entire life with wanting to be Christian, but having such a
hard time.I have finally found myself in a much more comfortable
position, spiritually. I consider myself something in between a
Unitarian or a Quaker, but I don't associate with any religious
organization. I am now just trying to come to grips with what really
happened in Mexico and throughout my life, since now I am finally
confident in the custom faith I have created for myself.Its a really
painful issue to have to consider all that I have chosen to believe and
do for the sake of avoiding hell in these last years. Whenever I start
to think about my spiritual past, I feel ill to my stomach and find
myself curled up in the fetal position. It is really hard for me to
deal with. I feel extremely bitter towards the religion (but strangely
enough, not the God) and everyone else who has excommunicated me
because of my choice to trust myself over anyone else.To monitor
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